What have I done?

I sit here at 2:37am hurt as i dwell in sadness. I feel like I made one of the biggest mistakes ever right now with trying to bring "you" my baby into this unstable enviornment of mines. I hate to admit that I am stuck with him now, and will plan your arrival as if I'm going to be a single mother. I want your father there for you only to help me out but to be honest I my self just don't think i want anything to do with him anymore. He hurts me and talks to me any type of way and enjoys to put the blame on me like i have anything to do with the mistakes he voluntarily makes his own self. He blames me for not believing him when all i can remember is the constant lies he tells. I just don't think this decision will be that easy anymore, considering the circumstances he's put himself in. Do i hate him? I dont think so i just think the Love i once seriously had for him is gone. I used to think he was the best thing ever but I just dont anymore. Sometimes i feel like i rather be alone but its really not that easy anymore because with you coming I have to incorporate Him in our plans. It just hurts and I'm tired, I just want to be happy but I dont think I will be for awhile.

Lord, I'm sure your truely disappointed in me, but I'm asking how do I make things right with you again. I am hurting and I know the reason being, I know it deep down. But I just don't know how to go about making these things right....right for me. I have a child on the way out of wedlock of course and i feel like I'm stuck. I only wish I could go back and possibly make things different....way different. But i know the only thing I can do now is learn in hopes of making things better now in the present. How do i move on because i'm starting to think its the best and reasonable way for me to overcome this hurdle. And this ain't no small hurdle its once huge one because i know for one this won't be easy. Lord just guide me, I need your help. Help prepare me for the birth of a healthy baby, and please don't let the support of others diminish, please let it flourish. I honestly don't think Jamar was heaven sent anymore either, and i just want you to let me know or help me understand what exactly he is to me. Like I'm starting to believe he was sent as a distraction and i just don't think he is meant for me anymore. Thats why i'm so sad because i believe I'm making mistake after mistake and its so hard to deal with Lord. Where did my love for him go, i just feel like its gone. I care so very deeply for him because he has been a main aspect in my life for the past 3 years, but i just feel like he ruined everything i felt for him and its gone for good. I can just look forward to this miracle I will bring it to this world that i will love unconditionally. Lord please bless my unborn child before he or she enters this world, I don't want them to make any of the mistakes i made and just let them have alot of confidence because i don't want them to have to depend on anybody for it. Amen

Thats all for right now i am mentally and physically drained. Goodnight Lord and baby

The rage is too much....venting

The further i get in my life I'm starting to latch on to a non Trusting mentality, I dnt trust no bitch and no fucking body......i have my select few but i just feel like the world is as fake as they will ever be to me and i'm tired of it. I'm sucha nice person but people take that shit for granted and i'm tired of it like seriously because i don't know what people want from me. I try to treat others as i want to be treated, 1st things 1st i don't fuck with nobodys man so i expect the same in return, i'm tired of these females tryna take HIM from under my nose every chance they get and i'm tired of his fucking ass for not stopping the shit when i say stop but stops it supposedly when it gets outta hand. I am tired of these lame ass whores seriously like i try to be cool and just pray for them because what they doin to me is gonna make it ten times worst for themselves. I am just tired of telling his ass over and fucking over the same shit and trying to shove the simple shit thru his thick ass skull. I'm ready to move on but i don't have the patience to deal with the same shit from another dude i just can't deal with it like i rather be lonely then to move to another relationship after this one. I don't think i will ever trust a man again ever. Like i don't think he cheated on me but he just keeps fucking lying and lately we have been great but its just little situations that makes me freak the fuck out I HATE FEMALES that's a strong word but females are so scandalous shit its absurd.....after reading what i just wrote feels like a ton was lifted off of my shoulders....My mind, body, and soul feels so at ease right now after that. I'm just thankful for becoming stronger and stronger as a person, instead of crying all the time I strive to conquer all my problems now instead of letting them run me down into the dirt miserably, thats something i will never let happen again, never letting people thnk there getting the best of me or think they have me cornered. Nope not no more.

Toooo Funny

Its official. Step Brothers is the funniest movie out right now. I wasn't expecting it to be as funny as it was to be quite honest...Two Thumbs up.

His Vacation....My Sorrow....

The loneliness is slowly eating me up inside, i feel like i need his touch, and it saddens me because i miss him already and i have 3 whole long days to go. I feel so sad because i'm waiting impatiently for my phone to ring from a call or beep from a text with his title flashing across the screen of my phone. I'm trying to hold back from texting him because, i want him to enjoy himself and his time away from me. I had a chance to do it when i went to myrtle beach with my friends, and i feel as though he should have that chance too. I just miss him so much, I want him to miss me the way i miss him. I'm just so upset with myself that i feel the way i feel, i want the strength to not call him until tomorrow but i don't think i have the ability to make it, because i feel like i know what i'm capable of and i guess i just don't think i can hold out that long, even though i should. This feel like a sickness, a love sickness maybe like I'm drunk off of his love, trying to get through the sickening night to sobber up. I'm just so sad because i miss my babes. Its hard because its a drastic change for me, every morning i wake up he is right there beside me, sleeping so peacefully, we see each other everyday, so this is gonna be a hell of a week for me unfortunately. I really need to toughen up, because Love is a beautiful thing and a wonderful feeling, i just hate the other feelings that come with it like these, especially when your addicted the way i am.

I will make an attempt to go to bed, but i don't thing that will be a succesful one. Chances are i will sit there in the dark looking at my phone, pondering about what he could be doing and questioning why he hasn't called me yet, and who really knows for how long. I really hate this feeling, i feel pathetic, and i'm already pissed at myself, for being so weak. Well Attempt one is about to begin. Goodnight Folks



LOVEJUNKIIE

My brains ready to explode!!!

Tuesday Evening after the movies....He took me to see "The Dark Night" and I must say it was a pretty extraordinary movie... Two Thumbs UP!! But this pic was taking in the middle of traffic on our way home. As you can see he obviously didn't feel like taking the pic..but i did so tough titty babe and give a round of applause for your lame debut on my blog.

Yeah man I need to start blogging more because I be having too much stuff that i really be needing to get up off my chest. Well lets start off with my weekend. Me and The girls went down to Adams Morgan, i honestly only go there to get my hair done in the daytime because as some of you females know the Dominican hair salons sit heavy over there and they be hooking my hair up, Ho la mami's! Sooo basically this was my first evening actually going down there and to fess up and admit it, I really enjoyed myself. I like the atmosphere (besides the filthy looking Mofo's) because every where you look its something going on and clubs up and down the whole strip, unfortunately i wasn't able to get into those clubs yet but we made the best of it, so hopefully we go back this weekend or my b-day weekend. I wish i would have brought my digi cam but i forgot it. I just really wanted to take pics because i had the biggest slice of pizza ever, and it was good as shit, lol. It was more than enough to make you and the person you was sharing with full, and then still have some left over. Cool right and it was only 5 bucks. But to sum all this up, we aint leave to damn near 4am, babes came and scooped me up since he was in the area. Overall it was a fun night, and i'm glad i opened my mind up and took the iniative to get up out the house rather than being up his ass all the damn time.

I'm ready to....Go???

I am really ready to go somewhere....anywhere, somewhere i can explore and or be a tourist. Its summertime and I am ready to just make moves and go where i want to go without being told no. Dammit deej i swear why didnt ur ass text me you were going to philly because i would have went. I just really want to go somewhere new, maybe to New York or something to shop explore or go to a concert....I'm young i just wish i had the funds where i can enjoy the freedom of this beautiful season called Summer to explore its wonders and everything it possibly has to offer. Some people have it easy like that where as me... I don't, sucks doesn't it.

In other news my manager got fired just last week. I have to say Karma is a bitch, he was the ultimate asshole point blank end of discussion, he was fake and had authority issues, only he could be in charge and he would make up his own rules and when questioned about it he would lie. To sum it all up i do feel bad because i didn't expect him to get fired but honestly he needs to learn from his mistakes and hopefully he will overcome this obstacle that life has thrown his way by becoming a better person. I pray all goes well with him and for his family because the way our economy is now times are rough and it will be a struggle. And To this day....nobody actually knows the real reason he was fired but i'm sure they have plenty or reasons.....and i really do mean plenty.

The Randoms--- Okay I got my hair done on Friday and its growing and it looks great, I have plenty of pictures but I am always posting from babes laptop which he keeps over here and i don't feel like uploading them from here....anywho today marks the day where my 21st birthday is only a month away! Anticipation is the rush i feel, possibly because i just want a few gifts from jamar (babe) but yea thats all i really care about i guess, the last thing i want to do is rush my summer because when my birthday comes....the notorious new school year comes right along with it.Ummmm I want another tattoo, i think i will get it on my birthday, i want something particularly special with a significant meaning, thats why i'm thinking now because really don't want to regret the 2nd one. Ummm my period came, jamar and i had a slip up like a month ago and 9 hours after the accident, i bought PLAN B, and to my surprise it actually worked. So ladies if you ever screw around and say things you don't mean during sex and yall have an oooopsie moment, buy plan B as soon as possible because it really works.

I'm such a last minute person. Okay I got a speeding ticket for going 38mph in the 30 zone (yeah stupid huh) and $80 fucking ticket now my broke ass gotta pay that nonsense. Anywho i go to pay it today since today is the last day and i was going to make the payment over the phone, and they have yet to put it in the system....I'm assuming because i was pulled over by a Cop in Training, so i don't know what to do. I want to pay it but they don't have nothing on file for me to pay. So I plan on going up to the police station sometime tomorrow to ask them what i should do...lol i already know what they should tell me but still thats $80 dollars i'm not just going to let it leave my account that easily. Well emotion wise I miss him, he is at work and most likely i won't be able to spend much time with him 2morrow according to the fact that i have to be at work by 11:15 tomorrow. Well thats it for now Good night

I Feel Loved.....But Neglected

I really been wanting to post but everytime i get settled down and ready to write i always lose my train of thought. The Question is, Whats really been up with me?

I just feel extremely lucky to be blessed with such a wonderful young man, he has the key to my heart and my dreams. I know i'm a bit clingy, and i'm sure if i could i probably would spend every moment with him but ever since mid spring he's been kinda out doing him and there is nothing wrong with him going out with his friends occasionally but with his busy work schedule it has been kinda hard for him to give me that ME TIME that i love so much. I would find myself getting caught up in jealous rages because he would rather spend most of his free time with his friends than with me so that caused alot of arguments and most of the arguments ended with him not understanding how i was feeling. Yeah i may have came across as a bitch and a bit selfish but it was getting to the point where we was barley doing any of the activities amongst our selves. But now these past 2 weeks....things have really changed or shall i put it, went back to normal and i am just glowing. Yea it aint just go back to normal by itself but along heart filled convo led to it. He spoils me rotten and its fucking great....can't wait til my birthday woot woot!!

I'm just happy right now and feel loved because he loves me and i love him back. He is going somewhere in his career path and so am i, like i can't wait to become a nurse cuz i will be making money out the ass....23 making a little over 70,000 year....shiiiiiiiit can't wait. Yea i may be working at a bullshit job now and broke as shit, but i'm still in school and my goal is only 2years a way. I'm just happy to have found a career path that interest me like nursing at the time i did....because i will not....will not...be one of those people regretting what they shoulda or coulda done....i just wanna make sure my future is set, i watched my mother struggle when i was younger and i damn sure don't want that for myself that is the last thing i want. I wanna be able to take care of my damn self pay my own bills car note, mortgage whatever.

My birthday is coming up soon....YESSSS here comes the big ole 21 cuz i sure am tired of being left out amongst the friends going to bars and lil lounges and ish.....that really sucks like i feel neglected by them hoes. Going out in shit without me or without even telling me b/c i'm not 21 yet....fucking losers!!! But i still love them little whores...lol.

JULY 4TH- was pretty effing cool. Babe had to work he had a show to do up at walkermill park so he was out there all day. My folks and fam and some of their friends came over 2 the house and we cooked out...i grubbed like shit and chilled with my sis and nephew til babes got home...then over his house all his fam was there and boy do they be lunching i really love his family they are all so damn hilarious. But yea babe lit some fireworks we got from this dude off the street...we call him the ultimate hustler cuz this nigga has everything but anywho....it was pretty. Babe ended up going to mix a band at some club down the street so i just stayed wit his fam it was like 20 of em...most of em young so they wasnt that bad...his lil sister and her lil friends and cousin got drunk as shit cuz 2day is her bday so they got str8 twisted last night. But overall it was pretty okay 4th of july.

I had to work this morning, and boy do i hate my job but i sure did get the fuck up outta there quick as shit today. Then i got amber (babes lil sister) a card with some cash from both of us for her bday, chilled over there with his fam ate crabs from last nite and just chilled over there lunching with all of em and his moms until he got home from work. It feels good now that i actually feel comfortable going to his house unannouced to hang with his fam when he's not home cuz i've been doing it a whole lot lately.....i just always have so much fun with them especially his lil brother chris...thats my lil boo he funny as hell....alot of times i rather hang out with them than babes b/c honestly it is just really fun hanging with them.

well i feel like i wrote enough even though i have a whole lot more to post...i guess i will just wait til 2morrow.

peace♥