How to cope?

Pain dwells so heavy in my heart right now which makes being alone quite oppressive. I will do anything to have you back, back in my arms to look at and admire because you were one in a million and to be exact my first child.

August 9, 2009 at 1:49 pm Julian Jefferson was born and then gone....all within that same minute. My little boy didnt even have the oppurtunity to meet me or his wonderful father. We were so anxious to see you and couldn't wait to have you finally here with us. But not this early. Because you were so young the doctors told us that you your chances of survival was really low. But i still had some hope. I just want you to know how loved you were and still are. You sit heavy on our minds and hearts every single day, and i already know this trial won't be an easy one to get over so all i can do is pray for strength for your father and I. I know God is taking great care of you Julian I just want you to always remember us. Please don't ever forget because Lord knows we will never forget you my Love. One day we will meet again and that will probably be the best day ever. Love you always.

What have I done?

I sit here at 2:37am hurt as i dwell in sadness. I feel like I made one of the biggest mistakes ever right now with trying to bring "you" my baby into this unstable enviornment of mines. I hate to admit that I am stuck with him now, and will plan your arrival as if I'm going to be a single mother. I want your father there for you only to help me out but to be honest I my self just don't think i want anything to do with him anymore. He hurts me and talks to me any type of way and enjoys to put the blame on me like i have anything to do with the mistakes he voluntarily makes his own self. He blames me for not believing him when all i can remember is the constant lies he tells. I just don't think this decision will be that easy anymore, considering the circumstances he's put himself in. Do i hate him? I dont think so i just think the Love i once seriously had for him is gone. I used to think he was the best thing ever but I just dont anymore. Sometimes i feel like i rather be alone but its really not that easy anymore because with you coming I have to incorporate Him in our plans. It just hurts and I'm tired, I just want to be happy but I dont think I will be for awhile.

Lord, I'm sure your truely disappointed in me, but I'm asking how do I make things right with you again. I am hurting and I know the reason being, I know it deep down. But I just don't know how to go about making these things right....right for me. I have a child on the way out of wedlock of course and i feel like I'm stuck. I only wish I could go back and possibly make things different....way different. But i know the only thing I can do now is learn in hopes of making things better now in the present. How do i move on because i'm starting to think its the best and reasonable way for me to overcome this hurdle. And this ain't no small hurdle its once huge one because i know for one this won't be easy. Lord just guide me, I need your help. Help prepare me for the birth of a healthy baby, and please don't let the support of others diminish, please let it flourish. I honestly don't think Jamar was heaven sent anymore either, and i just want you to let me know or help me understand what exactly he is to me. Like I'm starting to believe he was sent as a distraction and i just don't think he is meant for me anymore. Thats why i'm so sad because i believe I'm making mistake after mistake and its so hard to deal with Lord. Where did my love for him go, i just feel like its gone. I care so very deeply for him because he has been a main aspect in my life for the past 3 years, but i just feel like he ruined everything i felt for him and its gone for good. I can just look forward to this miracle I will bring it to this world that i will love unconditionally. Lord please bless my unborn child before he or she enters this world, I don't want them to make any of the mistakes i made and just let them have alot of confidence because i don't want them to have to depend on anybody for it. Amen

Thats all for right now i am mentally and physically drained. Goodnight Lord and baby

The rage is too much....venting

The further i get in my life I'm starting to latch on to a non Trusting mentality, I dnt trust no bitch and no fucking body......i have my select few but i just feel like the world is as fake as they will ever be to me and i'm tired of it. I'm sucha nice person but people take that shit for granted and i'm tired of it like seriously because i don't know what people want from me. I try to treat others as i want to be treated, 1st things 1st i don't fuck with nobodys man so i expect the same in return, i'm tired of these females tryna take HIM from under my nose every chance they get and i'm tired of his fucking ass for not stopping the shit when i say stop but stops it supposedly when it gets outta hand. I am tired of these lame ass whores seriously like i try to be cool and just pray for them because what they doin to me is gonna make it ten times worst for themselves. I am just tired of telling his ass over and fucking over the same shit and trying to shove the simple shit thru his thick ass skull. I'm ready to move on but i don't have the patience to deal with the same shit from another dude i just can't deal with it like i rather be lonely then to move to another relationship after this one. I don't think i will ever trust a man again ever. Like i don't think he cheated on me but he just keeps fucking lying and lately we have been great but its just little situations that makes me freak the fuck out I HATE FEMALES that's a strong word but females are so scandalous shit its absurd.....after reading what i just wrote feels like a ton was lifted off of my shoulders....My mind, body, and soul feels so at ease right now after that. I'm just thankful for becoming stronger and stronger as a person, instead of crying all the time I strive to conquer all my problems now instead of letting them run me down into the dirt miserably, thats something i will never let happen again, never letting people thnk there getting the best of me or think they have me cornered. Nope not no more.