What have I done?

I sit here at 2:37am hurt as i dwell in sadness. I feel like I made one of the biggest mistakes ever right now with trying to bring "you" my baby into this unstable enviornment of mines. I hate to admit that I am stuck with him now, and will plan your arrival as if I'm going to be a single mother. I want your father there for you only to help me out but to be honest I my self just don't think i want anything to do with him anymore. He hurts me and talks to me any type of way and enjoys to put the blame on me like i have anything to do with the mistakes he voluntarily makes his own self. He blames me for not believing him when all i can remember is the constant lies he tells. I just don't think this decision will be that easy anymore, considering the circumstances he's put himself in. Do i hate him? I dont think so i just think the Love i once seriously had for him is gone. I used to think he was the best thing ever but I just dont anymore. Sometimes i feel like i rather be alone but its really not that easy anymore because with you coming I have to incorporate Him in our plans. It just hurts and I'm tired, I just want to be happy but I dont think I will be for awhile.

Lord, I'm sure your truely disappointed in me, but I'm asking how do I make things right with you again. I am hurting and I know the reason being, I know it deep down. But I just don't know how to go about making these things right....right for me. I have a child on the way out of wedlock of course and i feel like I'm stuck. I only wish I could go back and possibly make things different....way different. But i know the only thing I can do now is learn in hopes of making things better now in the present. How do i move on because i'm starting to think its the best and reasonable way for me to overcome this hurdle. And this ain't no small hurdle its once huge one because i know for one this won't be easy. Lord just guide me, I need your help. Help prepare me for the birth of a healthy baby, and please don't let the support of others diminish, please let it flourish. I honestly don't think Jamar was heaven sent anymore either, and i just want you to let me know or help me understand what exactly he is to me. Like I'm starting to believe he was sent as a distraction and i just don't think he is meant for me anymore. Thats why i'm so sad because i believe I'm making mistake after mistake and its so hard to deal with Lord. Where did my love for him go, i just feel like its gone. I care so very deeply for him because he has been a main aspect in my life for the past 3 years, but i just feel like he ruined everything i felt for him and its gone for good. I can just look forward to this miracle I will bring it to this world that i will love unconditionally. Lord please bless my unborn child before he or she enters this world, I don't want them to make any of the mistakes i made and just let them have alot of confidence because i don't want them to have to depend on anybody for it. Amen

Thats all for right now i am mentally and physically drained. Goodnight Lord and baby